Column by Tim Riley

A great benefit of our modern world is that one never has to look very far to find things that are completely ridiculous. Many days, it seems as if the Internet is solely dedicated to finding the biggest idiots on planet earth and then spreading the news about them. Whether it’s videos of people falling face-first from great heights or unbelievable reports about someone other than Tim Tebow winning the Heisman, one never has to look far to be shocked beyond belief.

Just take the city of Ghent, Belgium for example. In this popular tourist destination, a woman named Sonia Ringoir was recently arrested for attempting to sell her newborn twin boys. While this is a terribly sad news story on the surface, one can’t help but laugh when they find out why she attempted such a stunt. Ringoir, who is probably out of the running for “Mother of the Year” at this point, was apparently looking to use her children to fund her desperate need for liposuction.

Her estranged husband was clear that they are not bad people though, as he was quick to point out that, “it was financially attractive to us. Of course we wouldn’t do it for nothing.” Accordingly, thanks should be given to these loving parents because their children will have a special knowledge that most kids never get. If their youngsters ever wonder if their life is worth anything, then they will know the answer. It’s worth about $13,000.

Whatever soul is lucky enough to rescue these kids from their psychotic parents will also have a myriad of problems to face in our brave new world. A study called “Tech and Sex,” released by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com, recently reported that 22 percent of teen girls have used technology to send racy photos of themselves to others that have spread to people that they didn’t intend.

Now, a parent takes a great risk every time they send their kid to their room as a punishment. Instead of isolating them from their friends, they may simply be giving their child the free time needed to finally get kicked off the cheerleading squad for good. To see this in action, one only has to peruse the Bothell, Washington news report. In this seemingly normal town, suspensions and lawsuits have been flying for over a week ever since a nude photo of a 16-year-old cheerleader at the nearby high school become a popular text among the local teenage male population. The Cosmo study found that, “hiding behind technology makes (teens) bolder,” but, unfortunately, it did not find that it made them any smarter.

Apparently though, these problems are infesting our children far before they are old enough to embarrass their entire family and community. Recently, amid a great deal of parental pressure, Louisa Tuck, known more commonly under her “adult” moniker Crystal Gunns, was forced to resign from her part-time cafeteria job because of her prior career. While speaking to the media, Tuck remarked that “our president-elect has admitted to doing crack, and he’s our president,” which in and of itself is a mind-blowing revelation. Welcome to the modern United States, where porn stars serve chicken patties, and our president knows how to freebase.

Why is all of this information for such disparate sources available though? Clearly the Internet is the culprit, but it has become a resource we simply can’t live without. The Intel Corporation in conjunction with Harris Media recently found that 46 percent of women and 30 percent of men would rather forgo sex for two weeks than Internet use for the same period. Apparently, in the post-modern world, a fun Friday night involves going out to the clubs, meeting a cool girl, going back to your place, and then watching YouTube all night.

When the internet has allowed the entire world to be turned into a reality TV show, it only makes sense people would struggle deeply with giving it up for anything though. Why would anyone want to surrender a comedic program that updates itself 24/7/365 with wholly original material? Surely, the Internet is capable of so much more, but who has the time to worry about any of that when there are funny stories about former porn stars that need to be read? When television news is telling everyone the world is coming to an end, it’s great to find a source simply concerned with bears on trampolines. Or, you know, surely fictitious stories about anyone other than Tebow, possibly the greatest SEC quarterback ever, winning the Heisman.