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Column by Kenny Colston

Spring Break is about one thing and one thing only — hookups.

There are bad hookups and good hookups, smart hookups and ones that have you sitting at the Kentucky Clinic the first Monday back to school because you forgot that crabs aren’t just beach-faring animals.

Remember, there are two types of crabs. Both pinch.

Whether it’s Panama City Beach (WHOOOOOOO!), Tampa or Ft. Meyers, Spring Break is all about having fun away from school. For most, that means getting way too intoxicated and then finding someone, maybe you know them, but probably not, and procreating.

But hey now, what’s wrong with that? Baby making is a stress-reliever, and at least you won’t have to worry about someone creeping on you or stalking you. It’s hard to do that hundreds of miles away. No frills, baby!

We’ve all been there, hanging out in the coolest bar in town, where that girl — with the super low cut top, double fisting a Jack and Coke — is talking about how she HATES her boyfriend back home in North Carolina. He treats her so bad and blah, blah, blah. At least that’s what you’re thinking anyway.

For the ladies, it’s that guy with the too tight polo or Abercrombie shirt on, his nipples nearly poking through his shirt. He’s super tan and those frosty tips from his hair gel just do it for you. He opens his mouth and your IQ drops 30 points. But you don’t care, it’s Spring Break and well … you’re single.

And you know what, in both cases, you do what you’re taught. Use the imagination.

It’s OK, if you’re so inclined, but please, take care of yourself. It’s going to be warm out and if someone sees you walking into the clinic with sweatpants and a hoodie on, we’ll know what’s up. You can’t hide the itch.

So, boys and girls, if you so choose to be that girl or guy, try and be smart about it. Everyone’s down with Spring Break booty calls, it’s like a rite of passage. And, yes, your significant other can be a booty call. You can’t expect me to support a bunch of cheaters!

Yes, beach hookups are romantic and the idea of someone catching you is really hot — but do you really want sand in some, um, undesirable places? This is for you to consider as well, guys. And you don’t want seawater there either.

Hook up all you want, my friends — let’s just be smart about it.

Unlike that outdated Las Vegas term, what happens on Spring Break usually doesn’t stay there: especially if you bring it back with you, straight to the clinic. Be smart, be safe and enjoy. Hookups can be fun.