Column by Patrick Sims

For its next act, the ruthless UK will now charge bicyclists to park their bike on campus. Under the guise of means to afford new, more modern “bike racks,” these masters of money thievery are remiss to believe that their audience is so easily hoodwinked.

All it takes is a little number crunching on our part as civilians to see the real intentions here, which surely UK Parking and Transportation Services has done the same. In the Wednesday Kernel article, UK Parking is quoted as having cited an average of 4,900 bicyclists entering and leaving campus daily. At a price of $15 per permit, those 4,900 “daily” bicyclists would pay a sum of $73,500 for their permits.

The impetus for the permit is claimed to be “funding new bike racks.” Based on the price of an 18-bike rack from www.globalindustrial.com, which comes in at $209, even if UK were to buy 273 of these bike racks at retail price (the number necessary to house all the “daily” bicyclists), the cost would only amount to $57,057 — and, voila! UK has dug up another $16,443 in revenue. However, the Kernel article also cites that UK only intends to install 2,700 new spaces, which would only cost $31,350, leaving an even greater revenue of $42,150 in its first year of action.

Even if UK were to buy 100 percent new bike racks, which they surely won’t, to house every bike, which they wouldn’t, this investment would entail a one-time-only expense. These bike racks will be purchased once, whereas this “bike permit” will surely persist for many years, annually producing enormous revenue for any new students who’d rather not walk or would rather not sell their kidney for a parking pass.

The 2007-08 freshman class numbered 3,922. If even only one fourth of these students purchased bike permits, UK would receive $14,707 in annual revenue for nearly no expense, not to mention the entirely new frontier of writing citations to bikes without permits.

The bicycle parking permit has ramifications that UK has surely realized and anticipates with bated breath; discouraging the use of bicycles will increase the number of people driving to class, which will consequently increase the number of parking citations UK is able to write, which altogether total an even greater revenue.

I myself will make no assumptions about where UK plans to put the money, but I can imagine it goes the same place as our nine percent tuition increase — into the pockets of the powers that be, and out of the hands of the students.

Wait in great anticipation of the amazing UK’s next dastardly deed — it’s sure to steal your breath — and your wallet.