Years ago — or so the legend goes — an embittered Kernel editor came back to the office upset, hurt, insulted. A prominent campus figure had unfairly harangued the young reporter for an offense that he did not commit.

It was at that point, in the heat and sweat of tension, that the young editor vowed revenge. From those feelings of hate, the Golden Forks were born. As a testament to that young reporter we take it upon ourselves to strike back with venomous pleasure at those who have wronged the mighty “Fourth Estate.”

Editor’s note: OK, OK that’s a lie. We’re a bunch of sarcastic, immature college students who feel like venting their frustrations at the end of the year. It’s unfortunate that some of you must bear the brunt of that. But take comfort in the fact that in about a month the summer Kernel begins, under the direction of Nick Gray, and then comes the fall with the woman you love to hate, Morgan Eads. You are encouraged to make the life of these two fine people a living hell. Until then, if you’re upset, feel free to send in letters to the editor, as always.

But this is last issue, so they won’t get printed. We’ll read them though.

Have a good summer.

This blurb was adapted from the April 28, 1989, edition of the Golden Forks Awards.

1. The You Just Proved Our Point Award goes to the AcoUstiKittens, the devoted fans of the a cappella group the AcoUstiKats, who appeared on national television this year in a singing competition. The ‘Kittens fought for their ‘Kats after our editor-in-chief called out the group for performing a highly offensive song about blurring the lines between sex and sexual assault. It was a great day for UK’s image nationwide, and the comment section rang with ignorance and chauvinism. But those comments were a perfect example of the issues with the song choice itself. Don’t get too riled up now, ‘Kittens.

2. The It Was All Just A Dream Award goes to the UK police and Kirwan Tower resident Christian Porter for unnecessarily waking up the entire campus in the peaceful pre-dawn hours of a Tuesday in February. Phone calls and text messages shook students from their slumber and alerted them to a violent assault and robbery on South Campus. Turns out, Mr. Porter made the event up, costing UKPD its precious “time and resources” and students their coveted cellular data and shut-eye.

3. The Flat On Your Face Award goes to Jon Hood’s tires, which never had a chance when they came face-to-face with a rogue slasher in the Memorial Coliseum parking lot in November. The four tires, which previously supported the senior guard’s Toyota truck, put up a good fight, but they could not withstand the unnamed assailant’s vicious blade. Oh well, it was our fourth-most read story of the year, so we appreciate the sacrifice.

4. The Good Job Good Effort Award goes to President Eli Capilouto for his failed attempt to contain UK fans after the Cats beat Louisville in the Sweet 16. Capilouto’s campuswide email was intended to corral any potential riots, even going so far as suggesting a hashtag, #RespestTheRivalry, in hopes that it alone would stop thousands from drinking, burning and shouting whatever they pleased in joyous celebration. It was an honorable effort.

5.  The Sorry I’m Not Sorry Award goes to UK Parking for taking away accessible parking spots on a campus where they are already few and far between. The spaces next to Patterson Office Tower and the Main Building were removed in favor of green space, now forcing students and faculty with disabilities to travel even farther to class, which completely defeats the purpose of having an accessible spot. UK Parking feels for those who have to walk, but really, they’re not that sorry.

6. The Least Original Award goes to the celebrators on State Street, who partied not only after UK made it to the Sweet 16 for the 40th time, but also after UK lost in the championship game. When police said it more peaceful compared with past celebrations, one partier didn’t fancy it. “Lexington just doesn’t know how to riot anymore,” he said.

7. The Raise The Roof Award goes to The Lex for literally having to raise a new roof. The apartment complex had two apartments condemned in January after a floor (which was also someone’s roof) collapsed under the weight of more than 100 people in one apartment. Note to Lex residents and UK students : If you’re at The Lex, don’t party with 100 people in the same apartment.

8. The Sorry To Burst Your Bubble Award goes to the Christian Student Fellowship and the university. Nobody accepted the blame after CSF’s annual World’s Largest Water Balloon Fight ended up with a student “security” volunteer putting a dangerous chokehold on another student who rushed the field. The university passed the blame onto CSF for not having a security plan for an event of more than 11,000 people. Remember, it’s love they neighbor, not choke thy neighbor.

9. The Future Politician Award goes to outgoing Student Government President Roshan Palli for following the grand tradition of UK student body presidents who write a lot, but say absolutely nothing. It’s your turn, Jake Ingram.

10. The Making The Most Of A Sticky Situation Award goes to the UK Supreme Court, who evaluated the use of duct tape in a hearing for the Student Government presidential election. Imagine how silly it would be if they argued about important things like posters — oh wait. We guess duct tape doesn’t fix everything.

11. The Big Dookie Award goes to Sen. Mitch McConnell for the double-trouble that resulted from one of his campaign ads this spring. Not only did McConnell mistakenly feature Duke basketball players in the ad meant to use UK, but he replaced the incorrect clip with an image of Julius Randle without UK’s permission. For the UK College of Law graduate who has represented Kentucky for almost 30 years, you would think he could tell the difference between a Blue Devil and a Wildcat.