Smog on campus is not an issue

The following column is satirical.

Due to the absolutely terrible coal-fired power plants on UK’s campus, more and more seniors have regressed into black sludge, like people with clouds of soot emanating from their mouths when they speak or cough.

It seems the horrible output of harmful materials spewing out of the power plants has taken its toll on students that have been here for four years or longer. I got a chance to talk to one of these “sludge people” when I saw him eating a dead squirrel and pulling his hair out.

“I didn’t used to be like this. It all started when I first came here as a freshman and with virgin lungs. I guess it started when I kept having to breathe in the sickly emissions from the coal plant that spill into the air here. It started off with my skin turning black, and then progressed when I started to notice that all of my footprints had a black, foul-smelling sludge on them.

“Eventually my spit started turning black and as you see, now my skin is completely black and I have the sludge coming out of all of my pores. It’s hard to even get anyone to talk to me so that’s when I started to live with the squirrels. They aren’t biased and they can accept me for who I am.”

UK students can see the “cloud of smog that can be seen for miles in our city.”

Using the Kernel article “Modern coal mining is essential for the future” from Jan. 16, 2012, one student wrote that the coal fired power plant is, “churning out the blue-gray smog that often hovers at street level, creeps into your parked cars, onto your faces as you stroll downtown and through campus, into your homes and ultimately into your lungs.”

That’s well put and it seems that the “sludge people” seem to agree.

One of the “sludge people” said, “Yeah that pretty much sums it up. That’s how it started with me. I had blue-gray smog assaulting me from all angles. I couldn’t escape it until finally I started coughing up soot and black powder. Whoever wrote that article has it completely right; those smog clouds are just terrible.”

After doing some observations, it seems that the author of the article on Jan. 16, 2012, was just scraping the tip of the iceberg. Not only does it “creep into your parked cars, onto your faces as you stroll downtown and through campus, into your homes and ultimately into your lungs,” but it also watches you sleep at night and sometimes goes into your fridge for your leftovers.

UK needs to look at these examples, take them seriously and stop the use of coal-fired power plants.

Not only because it could change the fate of UK students who would otherwise turn into “sludge people,” but because, and I think I speak for all of us, we would just love to pay a lot more money for electricity bills.

Jim Blackerby is an international studies senior. Email opinions@kykernel.com.

MyTwoCents says:

Hey Zach Morris, I was kinda hoping Angela Minella would respond. I haven’t checked in a few days and they locked the comments on the other letter. Why do you do that Kernel?! To answer her question about the issues with fracking… a good documentary entitled Gasland would be a good place to start. I’ll save you 2940 words too.

Matt Howard says:

My name is Matt Howard, and I’m a smudge person.

Paul says:

Uh oh… This is going to cause quite the stir once noon rolls around and the hippies start waking up…

King says:

I’ve heard a lot about the alternative energy potential of hemp lately. Perhaps UK needs to try a hemp fired generated… Now THAT’S some smog I wouldn’t mind inhaling!

Zach Morris says:

I think the fact that the Kernel had to put “The following column is satirical” at the beginning of the column is quite telling. Who knows if this person is being sarcastic or simply throwing some more sensationalistic junk on the fire?

Also, inb4 a 3,000 word response from Ms. Minella.