A letter from a student in a parallel universe

Letter to Editor by Paul Olivia

“Dear Paul:

By far the biggest thing going on here is the recent success of our academic team. Now ranked No. 2 in the country, they unequivocally hold the student body’s attention.

Juan Gaul, their young but cognitively dexterous captain, will almost certainly accept a prestigious firm’s multi-million dollar salary offer in lieu of continuing his undergraduate education beyond this year. Doing so will preclude him from residence in the controversially named Wildcat Tobacco Lodge.

Currently under construction, the state-of-the-art dormitory will exclusively house members of the much-heralded academic team. For obvious reasons, public outcry was fierce when the name was first announced.

Proponents of the name reminded the protestors that Kentucky tradition is rich with tobacco imagery and that many Kentucky farmers would face economic hardship if not for the crop.

Another controversial administrative action of late was the ban on using coal-derived electricity anywhere on campus.

The act boosted UK’s status as a leader in the Green Movement at the expense of greatly inconveniencing a large number of students who are “addicted” to fossil fuel power.

One trustee eloquently pointed out that, “The by-products of fossil fuel combustion are known carcinogens. Because they are emitted into public air, even someone like me who chooses only to use solar power has to breathe them in. This ban is for the collective common good.”

Wily students not wanting to leave campus just to charge their Zunes have established an underground network of illegal extension cords.

Snaked through adjacent buildings and sidewalks where coal power is permitted, the cords allow coalers to shirk the so called “Culture of Compliance” officials rely on to enforce the ban.

Basically nothing has changed except that now you have to be somewhat discreet. The only time I do it is when I need to charge my laptop before class. Come on, do they really expect me to go 50 minutes without getting on MySpace?”


Paul Olivia

business economics senior