Years ago — or so the legend goes — an embittered Kernel editor came back to the office upset, hurt, insulted. A prominent campus figure had unfairly harangued the young reporter for an offense that he did not commit.

It was at that point, in the heat and sweat of tension, that the young editor vowed revenge. From those feelings of hate, the Golden Forks were born. As a testament to that young reporter we take it upon ourselves to strike back with venomous pleasure at those who have wronged the mighty “Fourth Estate.”

Editor’s note: OK, OK that’s a lie. We’re a bunch of sarcastic, immature college students who feel like venting their frustrations at the end of the year. It’s unfortunate that some of you must bear the brunt of that. But take comfort in the fact that in about a month the summer Kernel begins, under the direction of Tom Hurley, and then comes the fall with the woman you love to hate, Rachel Aretakis. You are encouraged to make the life of these two fine people a living hell. Until then, if you’re upset, feel free to send in letters to the editor, as always.

But this is last issue, so they won’t get printed. We’ll read them though.

Have a good summer.

This blurb was adapted from the April 28, 1989, edition of the Golden Forks Awards.

1. The “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Award goes to the R1 pass holders who lost their parking spots during the first semester with little advance warning. We hope you enjoyed your 6 a.m. walk to K Lot in December. Just remember, it was all in the name of expansion. Those extra steps you took will allow some future freshman to have a luxurious bed in a privately funded dorm. Sadly, that student will never know the sacrifice you made for him or her to have a better residence life.

2. The Big Break Award goes to pipes in Fine Arts and Blazer Hall for bursting just a few weeks apart from each other and creating waterfalls. The next time you enter an old building on campus, you may want to bring an umbrella, rain boots, a raincoat, raft or snorkeling gear.

3. The “I Hate to Say I Told You So” Award goes to Sean Woods, a UK basketball Unforgettable and current Morehead State head coach, who said this year’s team had “a sense of entitlement” and “didn’t seem like Kentucky basketball players to me” at a telethon to benefit Hurricane Sandy early in the season. Pretty keen foresight you’ve got there, Sean. We look forward to hearing your sentiments concerning next year’s team.

4. Best Fashion Statement – When Anthony Davis left UK in favor of NBA millions, we knew we’d miss those famous forehead follicles. Luckily, freshman sensation Nerlens Noel filled the void with his “Fresh Prince”-inspired flat top. But after a shortened season due to injury and an early departure to the Draft, we’re once again hurting for hair. Maybe some incoming players can grow a Fu Manchu. We’re looking at you, one of the Harrison twins — we have to tell you apart somehow.

5. The “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party!)” Award goes to the Bowl tailgaters who lost their right to party at the popular spot for one game after incidents at the Western Kentucky game. Sadly, once tailgating privileges were reinstated, almost everyone was over football anyway.

6. The Make it Rain Award goes to the administrators with extra retirement benefits, which were discovered during a time of budget cuts and layoffs. We guess the “false crisis” the faculty Senate accused President Eli Capilouto of creating never made its way to the top. Rest easy knowing while your tuition went up and your favorite professors went without raises, our highest paid administrators were taken care of.

7. The “I Love the ’90s” Award goes to former Agriculture Commissioner Richie Farmer. This all-time fan-favorite member of the ’91-’92 Unforgettables proved he was not Unindictable. Richie, good luck with four counts of misappropriating property and money, and one count of soliciting property to influence  business in the agriculture department. Now facing prison time and hefty fines, it appears the mustache has fallen.

8. The Middle Management Award goes to Student Government President Stephen Bilas for taking the middle ground on every issue this year. Bilas solidified his status as the middleman by responding  to the Kernel’s criticism of his indecisiveness with more non-committal stances. We still can’t tell what Bilas ever did in his role as Student Government president, but we are sure his presidency may have been both stellar and mediocre.

9. The Back for More Award goes to the Willy T. Footstabber who followed the trend of sequels this year. Two years ago, the Footstabber won the “Subject of the Weirdest UK Alert Message Ever” Award. This person proved  to be no one-hit wonder, delivering another award-winning performance after a year out of the spotlight. Look for the third installment of this trilogy in two years.

10. The Newest Rival Award goes to Robert Morris University. The Colonials, with an enrollment of just fewer than 5,000 students, upset the UK men’s basketball team in March in the first round of the NIT. 3,444 rabid fans packed the Charles L. Sewall Center (almost three times the season average) to cheer their team to its biggest upset in program history. Head coach Andrew Toole is starting a powerhouse, and John Calipari should watch his back. With his newfound street cred, Toole will have his team winning NEC Championships with ease. Who needs Indiana? Rematch anyone?

11. The Smile, You’re on Candid Camera Award goes to The Student from the “I Hate the Police” video and the UK police officer who co-starred with him. Turns out it was the student and not the cop who understood his rights in that situation. These two entertained many with their YouTube video. No word if they plan on working together again soon. Here’s to hoping. No ranch dressing or sweatpants were harmed in the shooting of that video.

12. The Average Joes Award goes to the UK men’s basketball team, which had one of the more underwhelming seasons in recent memory. From preseason No. 3 to first-round NIT losers, the Cats fell to such depths that football recruiting became a surprisingly newsworthy topic around Lexington. Not to overuse the pun here, but they even played dodgeball to try to work out of their funk (it didn’t really work). But it’s OK, BBN, the Globo Gym of recruiting classes will arrive on campus in due time, and your memories of a season ended by Robert Morris will be dead and gone.