Canucks shouldn’t use Google

By Nick Craddock

Google has gone too far this time.

During my daily Google search of my own name (wait, what? That’s not normal?), I also began a seemingly harmless query with “Why can’t…” and Google suggested that I probably wanted to type “Why can’t I own a Canadian?”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I thought my eyes were playing Canadian tricks on me. Specifically, the kind of trick that makes me see malarkey when it doesn’t exist.

Try again, I thought. So, once again, I typed “Why can’t…” and once again Google suggested that I was probably shooting for “Why can’t I own a Canadian?”

There the words stood, just staring at me, right above other pressing life questions like “Why can’t I get pregnant?” and “Why can’t dogs eat chocolate?”

That’s messed up, Google.

Naturally, I resorted to name calling after Google had offended me. I was hurt, so I told Google exactly what I thought of it.

I smacked my keyboard and eventually typed “You’re fat!” into the Google search bar.

Google snidely replied, “Do you mean phat?”

Needless to say, I was fuming. Google was anything but “pretty hot and tempting” after insulting me not once, but twice, in a matter of minutes. I put my head down on the computer desk and wept. I didn’t even feel like finishing my game of solitaire

Later, before I indulged in my nightcap, I turned to my faithful butler Jeeves, who used to be a relevant search engine, for consolation. When I began asking Jeeves “Why can’t…” the question of why Canadians can’t be owned didn’t pop up. Oh, Jeeves, you serve me well good sir.

Clearly, only Google had forgotten that the 13th Amendment states that slavery is a major no-no in this country. For crying out loud, Constitution Day came and went just last week.

And did you know that because of French and British colonists, slavery also existed in Canada, but then it was abolished in the 1830s because it’s not good? Sorry to disappoint all of you in the market for one of my people.

If you’re not deterred by the supreme law of this land, also consider the tough economic times: It’d take way too many dolla dolla bills to own a Canadian, and though my readers have champagne taste, they more than likely have beer money.

Plus, it is dangerous to purchase and domesticate a Canadian only to release it into the wild when it outgrows its cage. At that point, a Canadian will have forgotten how to forage for its own food, will start rummaging through trash cans in urban areas and then authorities will have to put it down.

Contrary to Google’s offensive suggestion, I cannot and will not be had for a price in life. I am a man of integrity. I am Nick Craddock, hear me roar.

However, if you offer me two pieces of chewing gum (sugar-free, of course), a paper clip and a gift certificate to a Bass Pro Shop maybe we can work something out regarding potential ownership.