A Canuck gets into the Halloween spirit

By Nick Craddock

I received a Facebook invitation to an event named “October 31.”

However, I knew that whether I RSVP’ d to this event or not, I’d be attending because I’ve yet to bend the rules of the time-space continuum. October 31 is coming one way or another.

Of course, the event had little to do with the date and more to do with Halloween, the most ghoulish, yet arguably diabetic unfriendly, holiday. This night of ghosts and goblins is around the corner, as is the peer pressure born from the multitude of Halloween parties out there. You’ll be forced to dance to “Thriller,” whether you have rhythm or not.

For those of you in need of a great last-minute costume idea, might I suggest that you take inspiration from the Great White North and go trick-or-treating (code for dancing and getting sloppy) as a Mountie?

A “Mountie,” is the colloquial nickname given to the members of Canada’s national police force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

Although these officers do a great job of protecting my country, their trademark uniforms, consisting of a collared scarlet tunic, blue breeches with a yellow stripe, a Stetson hat and brown riding boots, do not shout “elite crime-fighting force,” but do say “eye-catching Halloween costume.”

To be fair, their uniform is a little hard to miss any day of the year. The color scheme is one thing, but the puffy pants are inexplicable. It’s like scrunches of material are caught in an orbit around their buttocks, which is not necessarily a bad thing for Halloween.

After all, rumor has it that some ladies who dress up for Halloween like to accentuate the buttocks, so the Mountie costume might be right for them. Decisions, decisions. I can almost hear the debate raging now: “Do I go as a cat? Or as a slutty cat? As a nurse? Or as a slutty nurse? As a slut? Or as a slutty slut?”

Should you decide to go door-to-door for your candy, the Mountie costume might also give you some legitimacy as an enforcer of Halloween law code: you have the right to tase anyone who gives you an apple with a razor blade wedged in its core.

And, should anyone attempt to give you granola snacks or stale chips as a treat, you could convince them that your trusty stallion is around the bend, just a whistle away from turning into a bucking bronco should a Snickers bar not find its way into your Jack-o’-lantern candy bucket in less than 60 seconds.

Good luck finding the same results with other Canadian-inspired costumes, like a lumberjack or Justin Bieber (just kidding, let’s not wander down the road I traveled with my column from last week; I value my life).

So, the Mountie costume is sure to be the hit of whatever Halloween plans you have. Then again, I can’t promise that you might not end up looking like a Canadian wannabe failing to shimmy to the beat of “Thriller.”