Spring break success: Bi-winning brews

By Nick Craddock

Charlie Sheen has set the bar incredibly high for spring break 2011 for Canadians and Americans alike.

However, for most of you non-Canadians who aren’t lucky enough to be born with Adonis DNA, a bit of Canadian beer coursing through your veins, alongside that tiger blood, should have nothing but successful results (you know … should you not want to do anything constructive with your time).

As Sheen has proved, one’s success is all relative to perception.

So, to make sure you don’t fall into a trap that is alcoholics anonymous or fall into the trap of becoming more like an Estevez than a Sheen, drink all of these Canadian beers in one-fourteenth of a fortnight to speed up the process of developing the self-destructive habits that will put you on the path to becoming an unemployed winner after college.

Labatt Blue — named for the blue label around the bottle and the staple of any Canadian’s Sheening bender. Grab a Blue after a hard day’s work and try to have someone tell you that your life isn’t perfect and bitchin’. The end result if you drink too much of this? A perfect and bitchin’ life.

Molson Canadian — it’s beer and the name clearly indicates that it’s brewed in Canada. That’s bi-winning in one step. You win there and you win here. The end result if you drink too much of this? Bi-winning.

Molson Export — the oldest of all Molson brand beers. The end result if you drink too much of this? The oldest of partiers, like Mick Jagger and Frank Sinatra, will be put to shame.

Kokanee — associated with the slogan “it’s the beer out here,” because of its British Columbia brewery roots. It also sounds eerily similar to the word “cocaine.” Sniffing nose candy isn’t something Sheen would condone though. The end result if you drink too much of this? The ability to still pass a drug test. Winning! Scratch that, bi-winning!

Alexander Keith’s India Pale Ale-for those people whose minds don’t fire in a way that is maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm, this drink may be an India pale ale, but it’s all Canadian, baby. The end result if you drink too much of this? A mind that you want to unplug because it’s so good.

La Fin du Monde — translated, this French Canadian beer means “The End of the World.” What an appropriately named drink for Sheeners everywhere. The end result if you drink too much of this? You remain in your only gear: go.

In the spirit of Sheen, consider the start of your spring break today and approach all of your adult responsibilities with indifference and nifty catchphrases that can trend on Twitter.

One-and-a-half weeks in a Canadian-induced stupor isn’t a long time to find a pair of goddesses, but it probably is enough time for you to grow weary of more Sheen references in pop culture than anybody could survive.