It’s happening, my dear readers. Oh, you frustrated and belligerent drivers of Accords and Camrys! You ticketed masses crying out for relief! The entirety of the library campus, from the front of the rose bowl to the outback bowl, will be flattened, paved and painted for a glorious new blacktop with available spots as far as the eye can see.

The decision has been met with widespread support from the student body.

“Finally,” said one sophomore, “Something useful for us students.”

Last year, more than 20 million parking citations were issued. These included drivers of cars parked over their meter limit, those idiots that park on the right side of the library parking lot instead of the left side, and the frustrated few who just snapped and drove their cars into the front yard of Maxwell Place.

The homeless books will be piled up and burned to create fire pits around campus in order to keep students warm during the colder months as they walk to class.

A few protestors stood outside Willy T to protest the library’s demise.

“But, the children,” whimpered an elderly bespectacled lady wrapped in a shawl, as she trembled against the cold, “What will we do for the children?”

I suppose the fate of the children remains to be decided. What this writer knows is that one of the largest and prettiest green spaces on campus, surrounding one of the most impressive libraries in the country, will soon be obliterated and paved over with an efficient and convenient parking heaven, where no citations are issued, and a volleyball game at Memorial Coliseum will not cause widespread parking anarchy.

Let’s just hope Ovid’s gets a drive-thru.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.

The staff of The Kentucky Kernel neither confirms nor supports the opinions in this article. Because, really, who in his or her right mind would? It’s the Lukewarm Truth.