Lukewarm Truth: Satan to join UK faculty in chemistry department



By: Luke Glaser

In a press statement last night, a Hell spokesdemon announced the retirement of long-time CEO Satan.

The Lord of Sin and Prince of Darkness will be hanging up his hat as Supreme Ruler of Evil, to pursue his longtime dream of teaching chemistry at the University of Kentucky.

“I’m proud of my accomplishments,” Lucifer said, stepping away from the retirement festivities to give an interview. “I just felt it was time to go, you know? There’s so much left for me to do.”

“We’re sad to see him leave,” Beezelebub, an employee of Satan and castigator of the lecherous, said while wiping away a tear. “But we hope he has the best of times as a professor. He’s earned it.”

The Fallen One will assume a position on faculty at UK beginning next fall. He will be teaching CHE 107: General College Chemistry II.

“I’m excited,” one chemistry student said. “That’s what is so great about the college experience. You get to study and learn from all sorts of people in such diverse ways.”

Satan, purportedly thousands of years old, is credited with the invention of Hell when he was thrown down from the Heavens for attempting to overthrow God.

“I want to take the opportunity to congratulate Satan,” said a Heaven spokesangel in a press release. “We’ve had our disagreements in the past, but we are glad he is taking some time to do what he is truly passionate about.”

The Dark Prince, who has brought anguish and despair to millions over the years, is looking forward to teaching, although he can’t help but be a little nervous.

“I hope the students like me,” said Lucifer, grinning sheepishly, “I’ve got to be tough. I’ve got to prepare these kids for their futures.  But at the same time, I want to be the cool teacher, you know, the one you see on campus throwing Frisbee on the quad.”

Famed for bringing about the fall of man, plaguing Job and tempting Jesus in the desert, the former Monarch of Hell is looking forward to the quiet life of a teacher.

“I want to, you know, walk the dog in the morning, drink a cup of coffee, call some student by his last name and talk about basketball,” Lucifer said.

Satan’s hope is that students learn from his class, and have some fun with chemistry in the process.

“Chemistry is a blast,” he said, “I can’t wait to see smiling faces on Monday mornings.”

At the same time though, the Prince of Darkness is prepared to challenge young minds.

“We’ll be starting with balancing chemical equations, where there will be much wailing and grinding of teeth.”

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.