The Lukewarm Truth: Cat files for SGA presidency

Luke Glaser

Luke Glaser

By Luke Glaser

The political scene at UK was rocked Tuesday, when Mr. Snuggles, cat resident of State Street, became the first to file for 2012-13 student body president.

“We believe that the time has arrived for something new in Student Government,” said Tibbles, spokescat for the Snuggles campaign. “Students deserve to have their voices heard, and we believe we are in the best position to represent them.”

The student body at large was for the most part taken aback, as candidates have traditionally been human.

“I’ve never heard of a cat running for office before,” one student shrugged. “But I’d vote for him.”

Still, rumors suggest that political inner circles were taken by surprise when the slightly tubby feline inserted his candidacy form, promising a “mew day in UK politics.”

Mr. Snuggles, a rising star in the political scene, has long been a champion of UK’s cat demographic, and his platform reflects that.

If elected, he plans to fight for afternoon naps on sunny days, squeaky mice and a new basketball lottery system.

However, many questions have been raised about Mr. Snuggles’ electability, as he is not a member of Greek life on campus.

While not a requirement to run for SG president, the last three years have seen a Greek executive, and the Greek community traditionally comprises a large voting demographic.

“Nonsense,” said Tibbles. “Mr. Snuggles approaches all students with equality and looks forward to representing them in the same manner.”

Tibbles later refused to dispel claims that Snuggles has contacted several sororities on campus looking for a running mate.

What Mr. Snuggles lacks in connection, though, he makes up for in cuteness.

“Ohhhhh, he’s soooo adorable,” squealed one girl, as Snuggles rubbed against her leg and purred demurely. “How could you not elect someone this fluffy?”

Others point at Mr. Snuggles’ track record as a reformer. In a long history of political lobbying, Snuggles has fought successfully for scholarship availability, increased government transparency and less expensive access to Meow Mix.

“Like the delicious and nutritious meals that your cat loves, Mr. Snuggles can deliver,” Tibbles said in a press release.

Opponents, though, are quick to point to Snuggles’ attempts to prohibit “4 Paws for Ability,” the program that allows adorable dogs on campus.

Mr. Snuggles quickly denied these claims, hissing and sprinting under a couch until reporters left him alone.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.

The editors and staff of the Kentucky Kernel neither confirm nor endorse the ideas and opinions expressed in this article. Because, really, who in their right mind would?

Dennis says:

You always make me laugh Luke keep up your wit. Look forward to the next lukewarm truth.