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Bailouts Gone Wild.

That’s the first thing I thought of when I heard that adult film industry kings Larry Flynt and Joe Francis were jokingly (I think) asking for a $5 billion bailout from the federal government.

Do you know how much $5 billion worth of porn is? My friend does. You don’t want to see it. Think Mount Everest of porn.

Of course what Flynt was doing is pulling another publicity stunt like he has for years and years on end. It sells magazines. You’re probably reading a Hustler right now. Or rewinding College Chicks Gone Wild— the three-pack. Don’t worry, we all have that one at home.

Here’s the thing— the adult film industry asking for a bailout is sick in one sense and one sense only: It takes Flynt and Francis to show us how irresponsible Congress is being with this bailout measure.

Bailout Wall Street, then complain and let the U.S. auto industry crumble? In an election cycle where Republicans and Democrats called for change, the fate of our economy rests on senators who are still looking at contributions for policy decisions. That’s sicker than half the stuff Flynt or Francis puts on film.

If there is one industry that isn’t being hurt by the current recession, it’s the porn industry. They know it. They admit it if you ask them. Sure, DVD sales are down, but the Internet turned porn from a cute, sweet little girl into a little-too-experienced woman. Gross.

“People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in the statement to various media outlets. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

Wait a minute, Larry. Having sex in a car is as American as apple pie. Or so I hear. But wait, there’s more from Flynt.

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind,” he said. “It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

I highly doubt anyone has lost his or her sexual appetite due to the recession. In fact, I think the good, old-fashioned, stress reliever of sex is stronger than ever. Don’t have $14 to see a movie? Stay in, go to Redbox and uh … do your thing.

Expensive dinner? No thanks. Kroger is just next door. If I take out my Paula Dean cookbook, the end result will be the same, no?

Larry Flynt and Joe Francis, your attempt to stay relevant in the spotlight at all times is comical. Your request for a $5 billion bailout is admiring, if only because you asked for it with a straight face. But the sheer thought of handing out money to your industry is crazy.

Because with the rates you charge for your product anyway, you could have pulled in $5 billion by the time someone finished reading this column. No need to bail you out.

But there’s an idea for a new DVD … Bailouts Gone Wild.