The Lukewarm Truth: UK Hunger Games



By Luke Glaser

Inspired by the wildly popular novel and movie series, the University of Kentucky recently finished its first annual “UK Hunger Games.”

“It was a brilliant idea by the executive staff,” said one member of the PR team. “We have to do something to keep UK fans interested, what with basketball being over now and all.”

Each class, freshmen to seniors, had one boy and one girl picked from its number.

After a gallant pageant in which the doomed chosen dressed in UK paraphernalia and took pictures with the Wildcat, the president of the university wished them luck. “Happy Hunger Games,” he said to raucous screams. “May the odds be ever in Coach Cal’s favor.”

Contrary to the opinions expressed in the books, most participants were nervous and somewhat terrified of the prospect of dying.

“I survived State Street last week,” the pitiful freshman male already consigned to his fate said. “Only to be conquered by the Games.”

The members were then thrown into the arena while the entire campus watched them fight to the death.

Fighting would have to wait though, as several members fell victim to the horrible conditions of the arena.

“We placed the Games in Kirwan Tower because we wanted to challenge the participants,” an organizer said. “So we made them survive in the most squalid of living conditions.”

Two participants were immediately killed by a swarm of cockroaches and one poor soul was stupid enough to venture over to Commons for sustenance.

“If it were between death and Commons, I’d choose death,” one battle-hardened senior said. “You don’t mess around with meats that taste exactly the same.”

Eventually, after a massacre involving the piano on the 23rd floor and several deaths due to the infamous elevators, two remained.

And the last would suffer the most grisly death of all.

It is perhaps said best by the winner herself.

“It was easy,” the champion said, her eyes darkened into pools of unfeeling lethargy that can only be wrought upon the field of battle.

“I just waited until a Sunday night and then locked him in one of the bathrooms. They don’t clean the bathrooms until Monday morning.”

Stop reading, dear readers, I implore you. The thoughts are painful enough.

Faculty and staff said that, overall, they were satisfied with the first annual UK Hunger Games, and plans were already beginning for next year.

“Maybe next year we’ll do them in K Lot!” one enthusiastic participant said.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.