Golden Forks 2009-2010, and the losers are…

Kernel Editorial Board

As another finals week closes in, it’s time for the Kernel Editorial Board to lampoon all of the people on campus who have made this year interesting and then take absolutely no responsibility for what we’ve written.

Feel free to send us letters to the editor. We will be sure to publish them with high priority when we return next semester. As always, we welcome comments on our website, (www., where our faithful commenters and following of summer readers will argue them out with you.

Without further adieu, the 2010 Golden Forks …

The Double Down for a Dumb Decision Award goes to whoever thought inviting David Novak, chairman, president and CEO of Yum! Brands (one of the main people responsible for America’s and this state’s obesity problem) to speak at commencement was a good idea. We’d only go if they offer free food from Yum! Brands and then buy us gym memberships to burn off all the fat.

The ‘Bout Damn Time Award goes to UK Police Chief Joe Monroe, who UK finally promoted to police chief the day before it put a campus-wide smoking ban into place. After three years of being pseudo-chief, Monroe was not given a news conference, just a press release. Don’t worry, Joe, we appreciate the work you’ve done, even if the UK administration doesn’t.

The One More Year! Award goes to Ryan Smith and Kelsey Hayes, who were re-elected based on a whole lot of campaign promises, but just a few results. Don’t worry guys, we realize it’s just Student Government, as long as no resolutions are passed on napkins or ideas are fronted that are already laws on the books, you’re a success.

The Used Car Salesman Award goes to UK men’s basketball coach John Calipari, who could sell you on paying cash for whatever clunker he’s promoting. If you need something (pizza, cars, ties, books), Calipari is the man. Disclaimer: We understand that a lot of Cal’s promotions are for good causes. Lose the pitchforks and laugh a little, UK fans.

The We’re Just as Elite as You Are Award goes to the UK women’s basketball team for being less hyped, with a more looney basketball coach (come on, Matthew Mitchell used to host a cooking show!) but still reaching the Elite Eight. But let’s be real, we expect a title next year ladies, or else.

The No Vacancy Award goes to Calipari and the entire UK Athletics Association for dodging a bullet by missing the Final Four. Hey, at least Cal won’t be the first coach to vacate three Final Fours!

The Fetch Me the Thunderbird Award for all the people still smoking on campus. Don’t forget the leather jackets, convertibles and to memorize every song in Grease, you tough guys and gals.

The Emergencies Only, Please Award goes to the UK Office of Emergency Management, for being located less than 100 yards away from two armed robberies on campus, but being closed at the time.

The What the Hell? Award goes to Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Enough said.

The Et tu, Diane Award goes to 3rd District councilwoman Diane Lawless for being the best city representative a student could ever have. Question: Can you at least arrange for free moving trucks for pushing us even further away from campus?

The Protesters are so 1970s Award goes to the Board of Trustees, for pushing through an unpopular name for an unnecessary building while students, faculty and staff were literally yelling their opposition a couple feet away. Even better: when half of you ran into the other room instead of facing the opposition. We couldn’t be more proud of your executive decision-making.

The I Want My Money! Award goes to President Lee Todd, who sent an e-mail detailing the third year of financial problems instead of facing students, faculty and staff while allowing a 6 percent tuition increase. Here’s a lofty idea for a man who had a pretty substantial bank account because of success before becoming UK’s president — forego your salary for a year and really find how out much this university is suffering. We probably wouldn’t experience a fourth year of pay freezes and tuition hikes then.