Years ago — or so the legend goes — an embittered Kernel editor came back to the office upset, hurt, insulted. A prominent campus figure had unfairly harangued the young reporter for an offense that he did not commit.

It was at that point, in the heat and sweat of tension, that the young editor vowed revenge. From those feelings of hate, the Golden Forks were born. As a testament to that young reporter we take it upon ourselves to strike back with venomous pleasure at those who have wronged the mighty “Fourth Estate.”

: OK, OK that’s a lie. We’re a bunch of sarcastic, immature college students who feel like venting their frustrations at the end of the year. It’s unfortunate that some of you must bear the brunt of that. But take comfort in the fact that in about a month the summer Kernel begins, under the direction of Becca “Don’t call me Rebecca” Clemons, and then comes the fall with the woman you love to hate, Taylor Moak. You are encouraged to make the life of these two fine young women a living hell. Until then, if you’re upset, feel free to send in letters to the editor, as always.

But this is the last issue, so they won’t get printed. We’ll read them though.

Have a good summer.

• The Benedict Arnold Award goes to UK spokesman Jay Blanton: In October, when UK officials stopped eight Kernel advertising staff members from distributing Kernel newspapers at Commonwealth Stadium, Blanton sided with the officials. He said on behalf of UK that the Kernel had the right to print, but not to distribute, at the stadium. Keep in mind that Blanton was a Kernel editor back in the day. What’s up with that, Jay?
• The Winningest Couple Award goes to Mike Hartline + 1: In his senior year, Hartline was supposed to be the starting quarterback at UK’s BBVA Compass Bowl game. Then he and his cheerleader girlfriend, Ashley Carnes, decided to get drunk and make a scene, which resulted in the pair’s arrests. Don’t drink, kids. It’s not a good idea.
• The I Love Mountains So Much, I’m Going to Sleep on the Floor to Prove It Award goes to Wendell Berry, a renowned Kentucky author and environmental activist: Berry removed his papers from UK archives after UK announced plans to name the new men’s basketball dorm Wildcat Coal Lodge — coal being the operative word. And he slept in the Frankfort Capitol for a whole weekend to show his views. Basically, this old guy is a rebel. (Because of Berry’s adament attitude, the Kernel Editorial Board considered calling this award the Screw You, UK Award, but thought the mental imagery of an old guy sleeping on the floor was much more epic.)
• The Golden Tipple Award goes to the Wildcat Coal Lodge: (For all of you unfamiliar with the term, a tipple is the tool used in coal mining.) The lobby of the new Wildcat Coal Lodge is supposed to be a shrine to coal. And this relates to UK/basketball … how? It’s not like they give public tours at the Wildcat Lodge, so did whoever came up with this redecoration plan think that basketball players would suddenly become outspoken coal advocates?
• The Way Too Much Paperwork Award goes to UK Education Abroad: “Supposedly” UK has a great Education Abroad program … that is, if you can get through all the paperwork. The amount of paperwork students must fill out for UK Education Abroad is more than even the Rhodes Scholar application. Clearly, this is the reason tree huggers don’t study abroad. (Yeah, that’s not really true … )
• The Kick Yo’ Face Award goes to all of the campus robberies last fall: Thanks to the subsequent campus-area robberies, UK Alert blew up with notifications. But nothing can beat kicking your assailant in the face, like the student who was attacked in K Lot did. To expand on the advice of Antoine Dodson, inspiration for the viral “Bed Intruder Song” YouTube video: Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husbands, too … and find this karate-master student to protect you.
• The Double Duty Award goes to Ryan Smith, UK student body president for the 2009 — 2010 and 2010 — 2011 school years: He also served on the Presidential Search Committee as the graduate student representative. What did he accomplish, you ask? Instituting a drunk bus program for students, and picking a new president that no one knew anything about until the last week of the semester. We should elect student presidents to two terms more often.
• The Behind Closed Doors Award goes to the UK Presidential Search Committee: So President Lee Todd is stepping down in June, but his successor wasn’t announced until finals week. What were the committee members trying to hide? Who? Where? When? Why? How? Inquiring minds want to know …
• The Will You Stay or Will You Go? Award goes to Tolly Ho: In the first edition of the Kernel this school year, Tolly Ho announced it was moving to the old Harts Drycleaning building on South Broadway. In a March Kernel article, a Tolly Ho worker was quoted as saying the restaurant was moving in April. It’s May now. What’s the deal?
• The Worst Fashion Choice Ever Award goes to Josh Harrellson: Sure, he was the only senior on the 2010-11 men’s basketball roster, but that doesn’t mean that he’s suddenly a fashion guru. Seriously, jorts were so 1980s. Is it really a compliment to be nicknamed after a dated clothing item? The better question for you, Josh: Do you buy your jean shorts, or do you cut up your own?
• The Taking Your Work Home With You Award goes to “the marijuana lady,” a.k.a. Tracey Ellerbe, former UK Center on Drugs and Alcohol Research manager for community-based services: She got a little carried away with her work and was charged with taking home her “research subject” for personal use. Along the same lines as the  Winningest Couple Award advice, don’t do drugs, kids. Remember: Hugs, not drugs.
• The Subject of the Weirdest UK Alert Message Ever Award goes to the W. T. Young Library foot stabber: A creepy guy crawling under tables and puncturing people’s feet at the library was last seen wearing yellow/orange shorts … or was it shoes? Thanks, foot stabber, for helping UK become the topic of the weekly weird news segment at news venues across the U.S. You might have gotten away for now (near the vending machines, of all places — which begs the question, are vending machines the new Superman-style phone booths? That should be checked out), but there probably aren’t many places that haven’t heard about the suspect with yellow/orange shorts … or shoes.