The Lukewarm Truth: UK institutes frowning ban



By: Luke Glaser

Put on a smile, dear readers.

After the remarkable success of the dry campus and smoking ban, UK is taking it one step further in its quest to become the best.

On Tuesday, the Highly Exalted and Grand Council of the 18th floor of POT unanimously approved a measure effectively banning frowning on campus.

The frowning ban, which encompasses grimacing, glaring and scowling, was met with widespread support from campus optimists. Those annoying people, always beaming and talking in the elevator and appreciating the small things like a warm mug of cocoa, can hardly wait to help us all turn that frown upside down.

The ban takes effect next month, and will be enforced on the entirety of campus, from Maxwell Street to Commonwealth Stadium. Students who compose their lips anywhere below a horizontal line, regardless of that last test grade, that heart-wrenching breakup or the ninth straight year without a snow day, will be warned and are subject to citation.

Don’t fret, though, dear readers. For one, you are not allowed to anymore, and for two, the university will be offering assistance to those looking to quit frowning. University Health Services will be providing complimentary balloons, funny pictures of cats and statistics from last weekend’s football game to keep students laughing.

Many students, however, are upset about the ban. Already there are massive protests being planned. Students will stand in POT plaza giving everyone the angry eye and harsh insults (which makes sense when you look at the pissed-off expression that Mr. James Patterson has been wearing for decades). This will effectively ensure that all unwary passers-by have just as terrible a day as they are.

Protest or not, the ban is coming. Frowning was originally not allowed within a 30-foot radius of any campus building (except for ChemPhys, because who can really smile around that?), but the university decided to take it to the next level.

And it may not stop there. Should the frowning ban be as successful as its predecessors, UK will take steps to institute a ban on all bad things, including hurtful comments, rainy days and UGG boots.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.