The Lukewarm Truth: Student sacrifices midterm to beat RISK computer game



By Luke Glaser

The quiet, nervous silence of the PSY 101 midterm exam in Whitehall was broken last week by a jubilant cry from the back right row.

A political science freshman had finally, and officially, conquered the world in his RISK computer game.

The political science freshman from Happy Valley, Neb., became ruler of the entire global community at 1:47 p.m., three minutes before his sporadically filled-in midterm exam was due to be turned in.

“It is a beautiful day for me, my friends and my family members,” said the joyous pupil, who refused to be named because he is much too important to be named in a pitiable college newspaper story.

The digital general has been furiously playing RISK all semester.

After foolishly attempting to centralize his forces in Asia, while blatantly ignoring lectures about John Adams’ political ideology, the brilliant general finally realized that beginning in South America and accumulating forces was a much more intelligent strategy, missing detailed notes on the New Jersey Plan and the Connecticut Compromise.

“It was simple really,” said the chest-swelled dictator. “All I had to do was conquer the other general, who automatically gives you all his remaining armies. The rest was cake.”

Pointedly ignoring all homework assignments and extra credit opportunities, the young and ambitious freshman instead put his efforts towards surrounding a very-tricky Northern Europe.

When asked about his potentially damaging grade, the young man said that simple grades and classes do not matter when you are the up-and-coming ruler of the world.

“These are the skills I really need to learn,” he said, looking up from the computer as he pushed his horses and cannons through Ural. “I’m learning techniques that will last be a lifetime.”

When informed that he had received a 24 percent on his exam (1 percent docked for signing his name “Supreme Chairman and Generalissimo”), the indignant commander of a seemingly endless force of plastic red men swore death upon all when he becomes ruler of the world.

“It’s terribly simple,” he said in full military garb. “Once you conquer Asia, you get seven new armies every turn.” He conveniently ignored the fact that the Mongols, Charles XII, Napoleon and Hitler have all failed to do so (even with seven armies).

The future ruler of the world received an “F” for the midterm.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.