There is an urgent need for more good boys (and girls) on campus

Dylan Wain

I’ll be honest, I’m a simple guy with simple needs. Just like the rest of you, I need more dogs on campus! I have noticed a dangerously low level of dogs walking around campus. I am in favor of more people bringing their dogs to school so I, Dylan Wain, can pet them in between classes.

There are a number of benefits of having man’s (and woman’s) best friend accompanying us daily in the never-ending charade we call life. For example, a recent study found that dogs can increase our lifespan by 14 years! (This study may or may not have been conducted using dog years.)

Of course, there will be opposition to this bold new idea. For example, there has already been an uproar in the wavy haired, guitar playing community.

“It took us so long to learn guitar,”  said Brad Chaddington, the hunk community spokesman. “These dogs are totally killing our game!”

I have also faced confrontation from radical members of the “Cat Lovers of Lexington” gang earlier this week when they broke into my home office and tried to steal this article. I’m not saying cats are smug jerks, but just so you know, a local cat has been found guilty of obstruction of justice for interfering in the investigation into its owner’s mysterious death.

I would like to pacify any woes caused by my plan, specifically dog droppings around campus.  Those worried can ease their minds. We assure you that the football team will make the math team pick them up.

There are far more upsides to this resolution than downsides. For example, Steven, this will finally give you the courage to ask Emily out in 1A! Also, the dean and I have already compiled a list of dog breeds you can bring to campus in our new campus magazine “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?! YOU Are! YOU ARE!” We apologize in advance if the list is a little Golden Retriever-heavy.

I am a firm believer that this is the kind of change we need today in these trying times. You can make an impact in your community later. For now, let me give your doggo a nice scratch on the belly because Lord knows they deserve it!