We’re a month and a half into 2024, and things have been pretty chill. There’s absolutely nothing controversial going on anywhere

So, I’m going to fix that by using the old-as-time tradition of bringing back an unnecessary controversy that means absolutely nothing, use extremist opinions to get you aggravated and then blame it on an innocent third-party.

In my 18 years in the United States of America, I have never felt more discriminated against than when someone says “I can’t add you to this group chat because you’re an Android user.” It’s the equivalent of “Your mere existence is revolting, so we decided to put you in a group of your own filth,” spits, “Peasant.”

Or something along those lines.

A piece of my soul disintegrates every time I read,
Loved ‘“I’ll be there!”
Or worse,
Loved “Loved “Liked “Laughed at “Laughed at “Liked “Disliked “No way!”””””””

Now I’m not going to tell you all the reasons why Androids are factually better. The evidence is all online, and if people listened to evidence-based research, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. I’m here to tell you how I feel about iPhone users and how they make me feel. And most people in my life use iPhones, which has become a large factor in my increasing trust issues and soon to be friendless life.

As soon as I meet an iPhone user, I feel as if I immediately know their election voting strategy: no evidence, but they’ve made up their mind, and you can’t change it.

Yet, if I’m being honest, I can’t blame iPhone users, because the main reason for using Apple devices is the walled garden: the practice of using a closed platform where the technology provider controls the hardware, applications or content being shared and used amongst participants (shoutout MAS 101).

It’s just easier for everything to work seamlessly with each other rather than try to connect Bluetooth for 20 minutes and risk being called a boomer.

Which is why I propose we stop this feud — rather than keep debating who is right or better (even though there is a clear right answer), we need to band against the real culprits of unnecessity: Google Pixel users.

Thus, I shift my focus toward a PSA to Google Pixel itself.

Google Pixel, what are you doing? Why do you exist? What is your purpose? Every single one of your functions can be accessed through a different Google app on any device.

The universe does not need you. If you keep heading in this direction, you will become the swivel Motorola phone of 2011: obsolete in two years and used as a practice device for a second grader before they get a “real” phone.

Just stop, Google Pixel. You don’t need to materialize into a tangible object for us to realize your worth. No one goes on the internet to “Firefox” an image. We understand your value. You can rest now. We’ll take care of it from here on out.

Samsung users, that is. Because we actually believe in unity.