The Lukewarm Truth: Greeks, non-Greeks, settle differences

Luke Glaser

Luke Glaser

By Luke Glaser

Yesterday on the fields surrounding William T. Young library, Greeks and non-Greeks finally settled their differences in a vicious, bloody massacre.

After a series of scathing columns written to the newspaper, and responses vehemently defending the Greek life institutions, all parties decided it would be much more efficient to gather together and engage in warfare and mass slaughter.

“Greek life on campus has contributed to UK in a variety of philanthropic, cultural and diverse manners,” said one Greek student, as he pummeled a non-Greek with a nail-embedded hammer. “We raise money for charities, work hard for our grades, and promote leadership and other quality values on campus.”

The battle, which began as a light skirmish, soon erupted into a mass engagement of catastrophic proportions, as non-Greeks began arriving from across campus on scooters and skateboards to wage war against their adversaries.

The battle initially looked to favor the non-Greeks, as they had the ability to carry more weapons in the multitude of pockets provided by their cargo shorts.

Sources also report that the Greeks were impeded by the fact that they pre-gamed for the event.

The tides began to turn though, as more Greeks came into the battle after completing their studying and community service.

“It was pretty easy,” said one blood-soaked Greek, shining gloriously in the heat of battle. “You don’t treat them like the enemy. You just have to treat them like they are pledges you have to haze.”

As the battle grew and spread around the library, the Greeks were sent reeling by hand grenades they had assumed were hacky-sacks.

“We’re just better people,” said one self-proclaimed “GDI,” hoisting the head of one of his enemies as a sanguineous trophy. “We don’t force our friends to drink. I don’t think it’s friendship if you have to pay for it.”

Just when all seemed lost for the Greeks, when their non-fraternal adversaries seemed on the brink of victory, the fratty warriors were saved by an unexpected reinforcement.

Sororities all around campus came to support the war effort in a variety of ways, including decorating coolers, weapons and chanting adorable cheers for their side.

“I just wanted to support my boyfriend,” said one sorority girl, sporting a lovely blue sun dress and Lilly Pulitzer purse. “And I spent hours decorating his flame-thrower. He better like it.”

No clear victor has been decided as of yet.

In the end, bodies riddling a once peaceful valley, the two sides parted ways, the Greeks to participate in a celebratory theme party
and the non-Greeks a recreational game of ultimate Frisbee.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.

The editors and staff of the Kentucky Kernel neither confirm nor endorse the ideas and opinions expressed in this article. Because, really, who in their right mind would?