The Lukewarm Truth: UK basketball an official religion

Luke Glaser

Luke Glaser

By Luke Glaser

Last week in a monumental decision, the World’s Real Religions Organization officially canonized the UK men’s basketball team as an official theological entity.

“Praised be,” screamed one UK fan, running hysterically downtown. “Our prayers have been answered!”

This decision comes after years of UK basketball receiving a zealously religious following.

Already, the faith is being organized.

According to sources, the main deity worshipped in the church revolves around a trinity: three great powers, one legendary program.

Fans believe that out of the disorganized chaos when darkness covered the abyss, UK established order with its creation of the basketball team (which rumor has it, took less than seven days).

The faith also tells the story of how Rick Pitino was once an angel-like being who was cast down to coach the Cardinals after he declared himself equal to Adolph Rupp.

Before prayers, UK fans will make the sign of the Rupp, the Cal and the Unforgettables.

“It is more difficult than most religions,” said one self-proclaimed preacher. “Service days aren’t just once a week. They’re whenever we have a game.”

Holy Days of Obligation include Big Blue Madness, Selection Sunday and whatever day the Cats play Tennessee.

“Being a follower of the Cats is more than just turning on the TV to watch the game,” said one brother of blue. “It means being fanatically interested in every single play, no matter who we are playing or how much we are up. It means knowing the statistics of teams 20 years ago, and the UK players who are currently in the NBA. It means naming your children after a famous, bygone player. ”

The religion is not terribly burdensome, and is indeed similar to other religions. UK fans must do acts of good will (camp out for tickets), read the good book (“Bounce Back,” by John Calipari – available at your local bookstore) and be nice to others (unless they wear red).

Churches are currently being established in bars, living rooms and man caves all over the world, though the religion requires each fan make at least one pilgrimage to Rupp Arena.

Those who follow the religion and maintain the beliefs go to heaven. Those who don’t purportedly go to hell/Louisville.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.

The editors of the Kentucky Kernel neither confirm nor endorse the ideas and opinions expressed in this article. Because, really, who in their right minds would?

Jared Glover says:

Pure brilliance, I can’t wait to go to UK next fall!

Lawrence Backer says:

I once saw a documentary about giant squid in the Pacific waters off the sourthern most tip of Chile. The fisherman they where interviewing was wearing a UK ball cap…

Jim Haren says:

I even saw a game in a sports bar in Mexico City one year. We played Louisville and beat them. I had all of the family there with me.