Column by Tim Riley

There are certain immutable laws of the universe that will simply never change. As a society, we can always rest assured that school will never be fun, the Cleveland Browns will never win a Super Bowl and a 40-hour-work week is about 40 hours too many; however, all of these rules pale in comparison to the great, overarching rule of all society. That edict, of course, being that of all the confounding subjects man has attempted to study, from quantum physics to human genetics, none creates as much confusion as women.

How else can one explain why men would spend thousands of dollars and years of their lives to be able to gain the expertise to become published in the “Personality and Individual Differences” journal? This prestigious publication is seemingly dedicated to use all science can afford to figure out the female riddle.

One recent, comprehensive study published in this journal spent untold time determining that women apparently find some facial scaring attractive. Another found that a man having a nice layer of facial stubble was preferable to those with a full beard or the clean shaven look. One can therefore only logically conclude that the razor a man shaves with would be put to much better use in a good, old-fashioned knife fight.

While this may seem like terrible news for the blood averse, well-kempt male populous, it’s not as if those on the winning side really stand a chance either. While your average male may be frustrated with not being able to match these standards, those who passed criteria one and two are probably screwing up too.

According to a recent Harvard study, all that hard-earned muscle created from years in the gym is actually pretty ineffectual unless one just enjoys posing for themselves in the mirror. Harrison Pope, a Harvard Medical School professor of psychology, states that his comprehensive work proves that, “The Leonardo DiCaprio look out-muscles the Jean-Claude Van Damme look” among women.  While this seems like another male disaster, as least now there is scientific justification for playing video games instead of working out.

It is clear now that times are growing even more desperate in the field of feminine-related collegiate research. Professor Kassia Wosick-Correa, a female who has apparently entered this once male-dominated field, recently welcomed Dana DeArmond into her class to speak about her unique profession. This award winning “sensual actress” was welcomed into the classroom because simply viewing this popular industry from afar is no longer good enough for the demands of this field of study.

Apparently, only firsthand knowledge of this female-dominated industry is enough anymore for the modern scientist. One can only hope that upon her entering the classroom no man remarked her name to any girl nearby. Even the common workingman knows to avoid that mistake.

The true root of the problem may be the constant influx of wildcards into the equation. As soon as a thing seems certain, it falls apart within moments. During the last century, women fought to gain an equal place among men in the workplace and government, but seemingly some are not so happy with that progress.

Ann Coulter, a conservative commentator, recently remarked that she wished women could not vote because “we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.” When the basic assumptions of a study are under question, such as “women like having rights,” it only makes sense that getting a resolute answer on more difficult issues will basically be impossible.

Luckily, there is a work around when a general solution cannot be created. When all research suggests there are no overarching governing laws to be used, the only resort is to take each situation on a case-by-case basis. It’s far less than ideal and requires a lot more effort, but ultimately if a problem is understood to the point where an algorithmic approach will reap continually satisfactory results, then it’s not worth anyone’s time anymore. Fortunately, while man has long since exhausted its abilities in attempting to explain the Cleveland Brown’s lack of talent by any means, when it comes to women, there is always work to be done.