By: Nick Craddock

I’m going to need some of you freshmen to flunk out of college.

Please realize that your dreams are foolish, your parents will always be disappointed in you and leave as soon as possible. It’s just that I’m finding it terribly difficult to find prime parking spaces and I’m not fond of this surge in the population on campus. I hope you understand. It’s not me, it’s you.

Naturally, I’m more accustomed to the wide-openness found in Canada. My home and native land is the second-largest country in the world by total area, but only boasts a population of a little more than 34 million; although a sizable percentage of these 34 million Canadians live fairly close to the U.S. border.

You’re probably exclaiming, “Gotcha, Canadian! This is proof that your own people are so infatuated with life on the other side of the border that they must live near it.” First, stop yelling.

Secondly, consider that just as some Americans like to have a view of Russia from their house, many Canadians like to have a view of the U.S. from their homes.

Also consider that the interior of Canada, known as the Canadian Shield, has an impressive supply of mineral ores embedded in the earth’s crust, but a rather dull night life. I don’t care how many sacks of cobalt you can offer someone, they’ll want to live close to the border so they can cross it and shop at Target.

Comparatively, the U.S. population stands at about 310 million. That’s almost 10 times as many people and thus, 10 times as many freshmen. A bold conclusion, yes.

With fewer freshmen, there are plenty of parking spaces available in Canada, but seeing as Canadians only travel by dogsled, these spaces are only intended for visitors (with the proper permits).

In fact, the closest Canada has come to experiencing overpopulation is thanks to the Canada Goose. Although these birds bear the namesake of Canada, they are generally regarded as one of the lamest creatures to be associated with the country. Even pigeons have more of what freshmen call “street cred.”

In recent years, many Canada Geese have simply migrated further south (often those with connections to the tri-state area). Remaining Canada Geese that were deemed excessive were hunted and served to the homeless. Canada Geese: It’s what’s for dinner.

Now, I’m not willing to explore the latter option with freshmen. That’s obviously ridiculous. We all know that first-year college students need lots of seasoning to pass as an acceptable entree.

Even with seasoning, an au jus sauce or a light gravy would probably also be required—one mustn’t serve meat dry—but who has the time for preparing all that after a hard day at the office?

Rachel Ray says my meals should only take 30 minutes. And I have to trust what she says!

So, I don’t care where you soon-to-be college dropouts go once you leave this campus (my guess is your disappointed parents’ basement), as long as you don’t clog Canada.