A Canuck chastises Bieber

Side effects of “Bieber Fever” may include violence towards children and blindness. But more so violence towards children.

According to CBC News, Canadian triple-threat Justin Bieber — he sings, dances and could probably act in a low-budget movie (maybe “Step Up 4: The Dancers Keep Stepping Up” ) — allegedly assaulted a 12-year-old boy in Richmond, British Columbia, Friday, at Planet Lazer, which is not a flashy night club, but a laser tag center.

When Bieber, who is in B.C. for his Vancouver concert, found out that the 12-year-old boy’s father was lodging a complaint with the police, I assume he broke into song: “Baby, baby, baby ohhh,” followed by this presumed new lyric, “fudge.”

Remarkably, my first question after learning of this news was not what compelled Bieber to allegedly assault a child, but rather, do celebrities actually play laser tag with the common folk?

Scratch that “common folk” part of the question. Let’s start by questioning whether or not celebrities play laser tag. It seems a little unlikely, but if Bieber’s urge to shoot laser beams at another human being was overwhelming, surely he could have rented Planet Lazer for a private party to avoid a mess like this. I hear he’s not doing all that bad for himself.

Or maybe he could have invested in a laser pointer; talk about hours of endless fun!

The second question that comes to mind is why would you allegedly hit a 12-year-old? Surely there was a good reason, I thought, it’s all a misunderstanding.

According to the same CBC News report, apparently several patrons at Planet Lazer got word of Bieber’s presence and he became heavily targeted by the other players.

OK, so that’ s maybe not the best excuse someone might want to use against assault claims.

Still, he’s Canada’s boy wonder. He’s allowed to get frustrated at laser tag. It’s not every day a Canuck gets nominated for a People’s Choice Award, you know.

Yet at the same time, this is not good for the image of Canadians and for that I say “for shame, Mr. Bieber.”

Just when my column’s popularity is skyrocketing (off the charts, really) this public relations disaster occurs and discredits my people as a whole.

Canadians pride themselves on non-violence. I am so docile that you could come up to me and pet me.

Thus, I’d never hit a tween, even though they tempt you with their backtalk and obsession with the Twitter and the YouTube. Darn kids (shakes fist in the air angrily)!

Who knows? Maybe this incident marks the beginning of the end for “Bieber Fever.” He had a good run, especially considering the fact a bullet to my foot would be less painful than listening to the shriek of Bieber’s fans when they catch a glimpse of his oh-so-perfect bowl haircut (admit it, Tom Brady, you’re jealous!).

I guess this means Canadians have to go back to being proud of Celine Dion’s celebrity. I don’ t like it anymore than you do, but my heart will go on.