A Canuck prepares for winter



Now is the winter of our discontent. Seriously, it blows.

Fall in Kentucky has love affairs with fluctuating hot and cold temperatures, but it seems like autumn has settled for her icy mistress.

Some of you may have found yourselves wrapped in layers, while others insist on wearing short skirts and UGG Boots. Your feet say winter, but your torsos say summer. Pick a season.

The problem is the concept of winter is largely subjective; Canadians might consider a Kentucky winter balmy and lacking some of the panache of a harsh Canadian winter.

I don’t miss Canadian winters, but I do miss using the extensive winter vocabulary granted to Canadians.

Toque (pronounced “tuke,” rhymes with “fluke”): The Canadian term for a knit cap worn to keep your head warm (i.e. Hey everyone! He said he’s wearing a toque! Oh, him and his Canadian nonsense. Whaddya call that thing again? A toque? Wow).

Toboggan: Does NOT mean headwear. Toboggan is synonymous with “sled,” according to the Oxford English Dictionary of Wintry Phrases and Terms. How and why Americans started using this term interchangeably with “toque” is beyond me (i.e. You can’t wear a toboggan on your head. That’s foolish).

Mittens: Like gloves, but for those that want to avoid tasks that require fine-motor skills (i.e. Dale wanted to help set up the life-size Nativity Scene, but his mittens made him as useless as a small infant).

Curling: A sport relatively few care to play, yet it was perfected by Canadians (i.e. We were so bored, we resorted to a game of curling to pass the time).

Ton-ton: The furry kangaroo-like creature Han Solo cut open with Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber so he and Skywalker could survive a night on the ice planet Hoth (i.e. She knew it was true love when he offered her his ton-ton on that cold night).

Snowjob: When you go face first into some white powder … after you have crashed into a snowbank while strapped to skis or a snowboard (i.e. Gnarly snowjob, bruh).

Snuggies: The blanket with sleeves! Worn by those who get cold easily or those in a cult (i.e. I feel completely useless without my Snuggie).

Double-double: Not what Dwight Howard routinely records for the Orlando Magic, but a cup of coffee with two creams, two sugars (i.e. I told my assistant to get me some more coffee because he didn’t make it a double-double. Then I fired him).

Tim Horton’s: Where you go to get a double-double, timbit and friendly smile from a Canadian working in the service industry (i.e. Let’s go to Tim Horton’s because I’m addicted to timbits).

‘Tis the season to use these terms, so add them to the vernacular.

After all, according to Shakespeare, a winter of discontent was only made glorious summer by a son of York.

Unfortunately, I’m unaware of any thespians pregnant with the next King of England, so we’ll have to endure winter the old-fashioned, yet Canadian way: by sitting inside.