I traveled to Birmingham, Ala., over the break. Surprisingly, hell was much colder than I imagined it would be.

If you’re from Alabama, consider that a joke. If you’re not from Alabama, consider yourself blessed.

In any event, while I was at work in the Deep South, which had temporarily turned into an icebox, a fellow Canuck was heating things up on a private yacht in the Caribbean.

That’s right, Justin Bieber, my fellow Canadian and twice previously a target of my ramblings, was seen smooching Disney wunderkind Selena Gomez, who is strongly rumored to be Bieber’s flame. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Obviously, my piece in mid-October chastising Bieber for getting in a tizzy at a laser tag center only helped fuel Bieber Fever; he’s further forgotten his Canadian roots and continues to be focused on his oh-so-perfect bowl haircut as his star continues to rise.

Some of you might be saying, “Nick, you’ve mentioned Bieber a lot, and though you say he perturbs you, it would seem that you’d like to start a bromance with him and are currently Google searching images of him while you write this.”

Puh-lease. First of all, he’s a minor. It’s illegal to start a bromance with a minor. Secondly, he’s riding my coattails! It seems that I have made him famous by repeatedly mentioning his name in my writing, so much so that when I now reference him my readership spikes ten-fold plus four (which means I’ll have four readers!).

Admittedly, I must accept that I need his help to amount to something more than an empty shell of a person who refuses to eat anything but Lean Cuisine microwaveable meals and Yoplait GoGurt.

That’s why I’m going to ask all the Bieber fans who tweeted death threats to Gomez for stealing “their” man to refrain from doing so. I need Bieber to be happy if he is to help me achieve my goals.

These tweets directed to Gomez, such as, “If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!(sic)” and “I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!(sic)” are likely making Bieber very sad.

I’ll assume many of these tweeters were not sociopathic tweens, but simply jokesters who were limited by Twitter’s 140-character limit and thus, couldn’t find space for an “LOL” or a “JK” to indicate their death threats weren’t serious.

If you are a tween who wants to wed Bieber, a threatening tweet won’t win over his heart. In fact, all your tweets are making his stock of lady friends more famous.

However, I figure a clever tweet to Gomez will get my message across that he needs to help my celebrity now, something along the lines of: “Do u honestly believe Justin wants to make you more famous than one of his fellow countrymen? U r more like Selena Hopez.”

Even with Gomez out of the picture, what are the chances of my star ever surpassing Bieber’s at this point? Probably not until hell freezes over.

And I heard Birmingham experienced quite an ice storm after I left.