A Canuck gets ‘Loonie’ about making it rain

By Nick Craddock

Last week, I concluded my column with a reference to all the people who find happiness in their ability to “make it rain.”

For example, Lil Wayne has made no secret about his love of making it rain through the gift of song. And he’s not taking pride in an ability to control weather patterns, but more simply, the pleasure of throwing large quantities of bills — his bankroll, if you will — on women who seem incredibly willing to play a game of “catch daddy’s money with your cleavage.”

I don’t really see the appeal in throwing your money everywhere (then again, drinking copious amounts of cough syrup will have its side effects). In all likelihood, you’re going to be the one who has to pick up the money once the director of the music video yells “cut,” and if you don’t, frankly, all you’ve done is made a terrible mess.

That being said, I’m sure there are Canadians (not me, I promise, Mom) who so desperately want to experience the euphoria of making it rain; however, there is a wee bit of a dilemma: Canadian currency does not include dollar bills.

Instead, the system of Canadian funny money employs a one-dollar coin, the Loonie (which derives its name from the loon pictured on the front of the coin), and also a two-dollar coin, the Toonie, (which doesn’t derive its name from the polar bear pictured on the front of the coin, otherwise it would be a Polie).

Canadian currency includes $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 bills, too, but we’re not all Lil Wayne, we have to budget accordingly in this down economy.

Loonies and Toonies are not conducive to making it rain. In fact, your music videos become much less sexy when the same women described above have giant welts all over their bodies because you’ve been hurling metal at them all day.

To make matters worse, on one side of all Canadian coins is the visage of Queen Elizabeth II.

The last image I want in my head before I start making it rain is an old English lady who reminds me of my Nana.

So just save all your Canadian change—Loonies, Toonies, quarters (which pictures a caribou, not a moose), dimes, nickels and pennies — under your floorboard because it’s useless in this country.

Try to slip the cashier at Starbucks a penny when paying for your drink and they’ll spot the maple leaf on the coin and slide it back to you. Go ahead and see if the laundromat’s dryer is as warm to the idea of accepting Canadian nickels and dimes as it is to accepting your delicates.

And start stacking those caribou quarters in pairs because it’s the only way you’ll trick a vending machine into spitting out a Diet Pepsi.

Thinking that the Loonie and the rest of its Canadian coinage brethren can get you something in the U.S. is about as loony as trying to make it rain with coins. Try as you might, you’ll only be making it sleet.