A Canuck names bad travel locations

By Nick Craddock

I’m graduating in May, so I won’t have the luxury of being a waste of space all summer like you non-graduates out there.

It’s time for the real world, and I now expect my life to be completely devoid of fun; summer trips abroad most always result in fun, whether it’s a trip to pick up persimmons from your local farmers market or a trip to London’s Trafalgar Square, where you proceed to eat a persimmon.

Consequently, summer trips are out of the question for me, if I expect to live by this standard of no-fun-upon-graduation.

However, for those college students who still wish to shirk adult responsibility in favor of traveling, I recommend Canada as a fantastic destination (for the most part).

Below are some Canadian cities I suggest that you avoid, although I’ve had the pleasure of visiting all of them. Ready your Zoloft prescriptions.

Hope, British Columbia: Ironically named, given that this mountain hamlet is the antithesis of hope.

Pitt Meadows, British Columbia: Pitt Meadows is the Canadian equivalent of what the Midwest is to crystal methamphetamine and broken dreams.

Estevan, Saskatchewan: Do you like corn mazes? Consider Estevan and all of southern Saskatchewan a giant prairie labyrinth. Beware of the Minotaur.

Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan: Your excitement builds when you see a cartoon-like moose pictured on the welcome sign. Your excitement fades when you pass the sign into the city limits.

Fun fact: Residents of Moose Jaw are called “Moose Javians.” Well, isn’t that something?

Moosonee, Ontario: The barrel of the shotgun enters your mouth after countless hours of driving through northern Ontario with the expectation a moose would greet you.

Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario: Pronounced “Soo Saint Marie.” Somehow the pronunciation of this city trumps pronouncing the “ph” sound as “f” in weirdness. If you can’t say it, don’t visit it.

Windsor, Ontario: It’s so bad, Detroit doesn’t even want it. This border city only exists for two purposes: 1) So underage Americans have a place to legally drink; 2) So Canadians of all ages can enjoy Tim Hortons as soon as they cross the border.

Sarnia, Ontario: You know what’s weird about Sarnia in the summer? It’s as disgusting as it is during the winter.

Quebec City, Quebec: Possesses the French-ness of Montreal but without all the stuff.

(Insert name of city), Newfoundland: Just don’t bother.