A Canuck surveys staff

By Nick Craddock

Have you learned anything from “Memoirs of a Canuck?”

If you’re one of my colleagues, the answer seems to be a resounding “yes,” if learning counts as perfecting the skill of belittling my home and native land, Canada. Oh, and belittling me, too.

Why stop the dominant themes of this column now?

I polled 12 Kernel staffers, some of the most well-respected journalists* on all things Canada.

Five people did not respond to my quiz. As far as I’m concerned, these people are dead to me and I will go out of my way to make the Kernel office an awkward place to work and demand that cubicles are set up so that I do not have to make unintentional eye contact with those people who were far too busy to take my quiz.

Here are the questions I asked the staffers and the best responses from those who participated:

1. Who is the prime minister of Canada? “It doesn’t matter; Canada’s impact on the world is negligible enough to render the position irrelevant.” –Aaron Smith (Well played).

2. What symbol is on the Canadian flag? What color is it? “Maple leaf, communist red.” “Socialists don’t have flags.”/ “A flaming bright red maple leaf.”—Brandon Goodwin/Britney McIntosh/Latara Appleby (Cleary, leftist politics and homophobia come to mind with Canada’s flag).

3. What sport are Canadians REALLY good at playing? “Canadians, while not truly good at anything, tend to play a lot of hockey. It seems they chose to play a sport that people in the U.S. don’t care about, probably to avoid being second best to us again.”—Appleby (Being first is the worst. It’s a rhyming fact of life).

4. Describe, in your own words, what a “toboggan” is: “It’s a hat! You crazy Canadians try to tell us that it is a sled or something, but below the border (where everything truly is much better) we know a toboggan as a hat.”—Taylor Moak (Who are you calling crazy? You’re the one yelling about hats …).

5. Name the province where most French Canadians live: “Clearly, it’s not British Columbia.”—Becca Clemons (Instead of telling me what it isn’t, why don’t you tell me what it is?).

6. Name three Canadian celebrities: “Celine Dion, the Biebs and Nick Craddock.”/ “Nick Craddock … that’s the only one I know.”—Appleby and McIntosh (You two have mastered the art of pandering).

7. What is the capital of Canada? “Maple syrup (for those too unwitty to catch on to the pun, I’m saying this is the financial capital that makes Canada both wealthy and lame.)”—Smith (I’m not eating dry pancakes).

8. Do you drink Canadian beer? If so, what kind? “How dare you ask a 19-year-old that question! Damn Canadians think it’s OK to give alcohol to minors — don’t they know the brain isn’t fully developed until age 21?!”—Clemons (My bad).

9. If I have $40 (Canadian) and I make it rain in the club, how many Canadian dollars am I left with? “You’re fired.” –Martha Groppo. (Love you, too, Martha) Honorable mention goes to Goodwin’s: “Probably 40. Most legitimate strippers don’t take your currency.”

10. Do you believe in sasquatch? Do you believe in Justin Bieber? “Of course. Don’t you mean ‘do you Belieb?’” / “Sasquatch — no. Bieber — baby, baby, baby NOOOOO!”—Groppo/ Moak (Ending on a high note. Lovely).

11. There was no question No. 11, but Smith said: “The lifeblood of a Canadian is of course 50 Chicken McNuggets. No, this wasn’t asked, but it shows that Canadians are humane on some level.”

I eat McNuggets, therefore I am.

*In the UK community