The Lukewarm Truth: Capilouto is really alter-ego for UK basketball coach



To the passing eye, mild-mannered Eli Capilouto bears no remarkable traits. The bespectacled president with his cheesy UK polos and unparalleled knowledge of dental hygienic practices goes quietly about his work, meeting students, budgeting and humbly working towards the Top 20 goal. However, beneath that modest demeanor,  and that meek physique, lies a man of steel who now assumes the most important — and most confidential — job as UK’s president.

Yes, dear readers. After months of rigorous investigative journalism, a period in which no stone was left unturned and no record went unexamined, your humble journalist-servant is proud to introduce his column by exposing the biggest cover-up in the history of the University of Kentucky.

On dark nights, as the chill of winter settles in amongst the desperate pleas of thousands of UK followers, Eli Capilouto will inconspicuously slip into the bathroom of Maxwell Place and transform into — wait for it — men’s basketball coach John Calipari.

Boom. I know, right? Preposterous. There’s no way. For starters, John Calipari has dark, wavy hair and neither former President Lee Todd nor Capilouto have seen hair on that side of their heads since at least 1968. But, look closely, readers, look closely.

Last September, Todd turned down a $50,000 bonus. Who in their right mind would do that? Why, a man who makes $3.8 million a year. Easy to turn down $50k when you make half a million every time you smile and tell someone to buy a Ball Home (or even more dough for being the only cool person in a Central Bank commercial).

And did you ever notice last year how Todd would mysteriously vanish to Rupp Arena every time the Cats played? Cal would go in for halftime, and then Todd would appear at half court to recognize someone while donning his traditional sweater vest?

Did you ever see him when the Cats were on the road in March? No, because he was busy transforming into his Crittenden suit and using the mythical Ring of Rupp, passed down since President Herman L. Donovan, to enhance his explosive knowledge of man-to-man defense.

It is believed that Capilouto, a licensed dentist, has already begun his exploits as the Caped Calsader. Sources note that Calipari’s teeth were conspicuously whiter in the Dominican Republic exhibition. We can only hope that his heroic deeds will match those of his predecessors.

And that, readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not exactly hot, but definitely not cold.