The Lukewarm Truth: Santa gives the gift of a win to UK football team



By Luke Glaser

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, dear readers.

First off, my apologies for a long absence; I was on a hiatus, gallivanting about New York where I accepted the award for “the most idiotic, humorless columnist that is still, somehow, getting published” award. Congratulatory messages and other gifts can be forwarded to my office in 026 Grehan.

I have returned to campus with a doozie though.

As we all know, last Saturday the UK football program ended its 26-year-long losing streak to the Tennessee Volunteers. The Wildcats “decked the halls” with stellar offense and defense, giving “joy to the world” and creating anything but a “silent night” around Commonwealth Stadium.

Tired of the puns yet?

They are all too appropriate, my devoted followers, because we can hardly attribute the long overdue victory to mere talent and coaching ability. The rest of the season is evidence enough for that.

No, we can point our gratitude northwards and thank jolly ole’ Saint Nick for the win

Recent evidence suggests that in preparation for the game against our dear, orange-tinted neighbors to the south, each player, coach and staff member wrote a letter to Santa.

They asked for one thing, and one thing only: a victory against the Tennessee Volunteers.

Reports suggests that, early last week, the team meeting consisted of players utilizing safety scissors, construction paper and glitter to create letters promising that they had been good, and asking Santa for a win against Tennessee.

“I hope this works,” one player reportedly said, as he licked the stamp and pressed the envelope against his chest, closing his eyes. “Oh please, oh please, oh please Santa.”

Obviously, it did. Santa visited the Commonwealth a bit early as the Wildcats defeated the Volunteers 10-7.

And the present cannot be attributed solely to the Big Man.

We all know that Santa sports the color red, a color that will enrage a UK fan quicker than it will an angry bull. Because his frock (and cherry nose) obviously hint at Santa’s team bias in the state, this columnist believes that the football team’s present had a little help from the inside.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Mrs. Claus said, when asked by reporters about the miraculous win.

“Santa is the one who does the gift-giving. I just sit here, bake and watch Kentucky lose to those (explicative) boys from Tennessee. I must say this year was a nice change. “

Santa’s wife continued as she brushed crumbs off her blue and white crocheted apron and proceeded to finish icing her “North Carolina is on the naughty list” cake. “Oh look at that, the cookies are almost done!”

Whoever was responsible for the win, UK football players are completely content with it and don’t want anything more for Christmas (although Danny Trevathan did reportedly ask for a new tie for the NFL Draft)

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.