By Luke Glaser

UK 101, the orientation program created for incoming freshmen, has seen wild success in its goal to increase retention rates and create a more accommodating environment for new students.

So why, dear readers, wouldn’t it work the other way around?

The newly created Office of Old Students has announced the genesis of UK 501, an orientation program with a focus on seniors getting the hell out of UK.

“We’re just sick of them sticking around,” said the program coordinator. “I mean, geez, enough is enough.”

The program was created to address the growing issue of students refusing to leave college.

A bad job market, coupled with an adolescent refusal to move on with life, creates an atmosphere of fifth-, sixth- and even seventh-year seniors in the most extreme cases.

“I’m not just another one of those students,” said one fifth-year senior, whose first two years were spent drinking, failing and filling out repeat options. “I just have a few more classes to take and then I will be finished with my degree. I think.”

UK 501 will teach students who have been here longer than the traditional four years how to grow up.

Courses include “Classes that help finish your degree that aren’t intermediate tennis,” “Quit complaining and fill out applications” and

“Safety tips when moving out of your parents’ basement.”

“We love all our students,” said one instructor. “But, you know, there’s a time when you need to leave the nest. Our job in UK 501 is to violently shove them out of the nest.”

Studies show that students desperate to stay in college “just one more year” will add degrees that they don’t really care about and have a sudden epiphany in which the career that has evaded them all their lives suddenly presents itself three years into college.

Unfortunately, said career doesn’t involve any of those accumulated psychology credits.

UK 501 will also revisit some UK 101 principles.

“So this is Willy T. Library?” said one befuddled fifth-year, gazing in awe at the building whose tour he missed when he went to prank that one sorority freshman year as a pledge. “This is really cool. This substantial collection of books and electronic resources would have really helped me the last five years.”

Coordinators are optimistic about the results of the program.

“One of the primary goals of UK is to increase graduation rates,” one coordinator said as he created the “Go to the freaking Career Center” lesson plan. “We are doing that by making them graduate.”

And that, dear readers, is the lukewarm truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.