Dueling Columns: Why pepperoni pizza is superior to cheese and all others

Dueling columns

Dueling columns

Let’s all agree: Pizza is pizza.

Warm, chewy, full of grease (or a healthy alternative to grease, if you’re into that). Pizza can do no wrong, unless it’s a supreme from Pizza Hut but that’s another issue. But despite all the virtues of pizza and all the good it does in the world, some would have you believe that cheese is better than pepperoni. To them I say, DomiNO.

For those of us who actually have a brain, pepperoni is obviously the superior option for several reasons. One, it just is. Two, pepperoni adds a level of taste and texture that an extra layer of cheese just can’t achieve. Have you ever had a thin-crust pepperoni pizza from Domino’s? If you want to find happiness, it’s there. When you order a cheese pizza, you get way too much cheese. When you order pepperoni, you get the perfect mix of meat, cheese and bread. Uh, yum?

If you’re worried about health, well, you’re eating pizza. The jig is up. Besides, more pepperoni means more protein and more strength to rule the world and/or crush your enemies. And, if for some strange reason, you feel that you got too much pepperoni, you can always carefully pick it off like you would pick out candies or daisies considering you’re most likely a pansy.

All in all, you’ve never heard anyone say something is too “pepperoni-y” because that’s right, it’s always too “cheesy.” So if you’re ever ordering pizza with friends and someone wants to order cheese instead of pepperoni, it’s time to find some new friends.

Email [email protected].