By Luke Glaser

UK men’s basketball head coach John Calipari has revolutionized space travel, financing and captaining a craft that is capable of unprecedented speeds and the capacity to travel across galaxies to explore new lands.

Through this revolutionary invention, perhaps the greatest feat man has ever accomplished, Calipari has successfully discovered life on another planet. We are, dear readers, not alone.

But, perhaps more exciting than the aforementioned statement, which will no doubt change life as we know it, is this: UK has successfully landed new recruits.

It was announced Tuesday on ESPNU that Prixchax and Jabglarg, alien Zarthogs from the distant planet Plutragh-9, have signed with UK and will be donning blue next year.

The two freshmen, brought to UK from the distant galaxy of Quex J17, are rumored to actually be green-skinned carnivores who enjoy raw flesh, preying upon the meek and are pretty good with a roundball.

Plutargh-9, a toxic planet consisting of putrid swamps, rivers of parlous sewage and the piercing cries of the masses, is the home of the Zarthog species, a fierce and war-like clan surprisingly adept at the game of basketball.

“All hail John Calipari,” said the Most High Sports Administrator and Consumer of the Innocent, Boggard-Pithu. “May the timid tremble before your mighty footsteps and the weak be sacrificed upon your wooden court. It is our wish that Prixchax and Jabglarg serve you well.”

Prixchax, a lifelong UK fan, was ready to sign on immediately.

After much speculation and universal media attention, Jabglarg chose UK over being Military Dictator and Lord of the Enslaved, Emperor Torturer of the Citizenry and the University of North Carolina.

Prixchax and Jabglarg are balanced players who can acclimate to a variety of positions.

The catch is they must constantly be fed human flesh, their only dietary source locally available.

For the time being, UK basketball fans are happily volunteering for the sacrificial job. “I mean who wouldn’t,” said one junior. “My great-grandchildren will point to my picture one day and say ‘That’s pappy. He was messily devoured by actual UK basketball players.’ It’s any fan’s dream.”

The Kernel has also uncovered documents that reveal the NCAA is currently investigating the intergalactic trip as a potential recruiting violation.

“How dare they,” Xacktharg, the Feared Leader and Most Glorious Father of all Zarthogs, in reference to the administration’s investigations. “May their bones be crushed and their children thrown to the mines to work for eternity.”

Until the investigation is complete, Calipari plans to add Prixchax and Jabglarg to his already impressive list of freshmen.

How Calipari plans to use the versatile Zarthogs is yet unknown, but UK basketball fans hope to see even more carnage than usual this season.

And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.