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In a universal decision Monday before UK’s championship game, all 28,000 students decided to celebrate the victory in the most reasonable and demure manner possible.
“We all agree that the manner in which we celebrated on Saturday was simply ghastly and juvenalian,” one State Street resident said. “Thus, we decided that the student body as a collective entity would celebrate the win in a mature manner.”
Students purportedly sat quietly in individual seats, cheering loudly for their team, but not too loudly as to disturb the game-watching atmosphere for their neighbors.
“Oh, dangit!” said one girl when Kansas scored a basket. “Oh well, that was quite a formidable play on their part. I hope both teams do their best.”
Police were reportedly bored out of their minds as revelers opted to stay indoors and out of the street.
“There’s no reason to gallivant about like some common rogue,” said one student as he sipped on a lovely glass of pinot grigio during the game. “We fully support the fine reputation this university attempts to emanate.”
After Kansas took an early lead in the first half, most students said they were anxious, but quite tranquil about the lead.
“Of course I’d love to win,” one girl said. “But it’s really just a game, after all. Kansas is a great team.”
Police did report a fire in the University Avenue area, but it turns out students had built one within a contained area to roast marshmallows during halftime.
“I’m just happy we have the chance to be here and celebrate in a manner that is both conducive to fun memories and the safety of all,” said one girl as she pulled her top off, revealing another, less-suggestive top. “Whew, that’s better. I was getting hot.”
After the win, police in riot gear braced for an accumulation of the masses, but instead a few students came out to offer them lemonade and some homemade cookies.
“We wanted to leave the streets open. Students may need to get out and get groceries or go to church,” one kind-hearted junior said. “There are plenty of other, safer ways to celebrate.”
All in all, the student body of the University of Kentucky was very content to win the national championship.
“We won the championship,” one girl screamed before being shushed by her equally ecstatic friends. “Kansas did such a good job though.”
After the win, students purportedly gathered together to build couches for the poor.
And that, dear readers, is the Lukewarm Truth. Not quite hot, but definitely not cold.
The editors of the Kernel neither confirm nor endorse the ideas and opinions expressed in this article. Because, really, who in their right mind would?