Katie Saltz
Outside of a bar fight or a boxing ring, many of us will go through our lives without witnessing a serious physical confrontation. And even most bar fights I’ve witnessed in my time at college have fallen short of my expectations. It’s all talk. “Roadhouse†lied.
But even with this lack of physical violence, you don’t have to look too far to see some dirty fighting taking place. Just ask anyone in a relationship. Not everyone knows how to throw a right hook, but it seems like everyone you know has been the victim of an emotional sucker-punch. As Jordin Sparks asks me on the radio everyday, “Why does love always feel like a battlefield?â€
Fighting fair is a concept that should translate out of the ring and into our relationships. Unfortunately, there are far too many times when a fight over who didn’t call who turns into a scene from “Rocky.†The reason this occurs is a fatal mistake many of us make when we claim forgiveness. We start to collect emotional ammo.
Emotional ammo is stockpiling grievances against your loved one and saving them for a better fight. Sure, you forgive them for being late last week and for not calling two nights ago. But then when a big fight breaks out — Bam! You reach into that arsenal and bring up those two instances. This is done to prove your point. I mean, whoever wins the fight is the person who screws up the least, right?
Incorrect. We think if we can make the other person look bad, then we win, no matter who was really at fault this time. I will say it plainly and clearly: that is cheap fighting and a low blow.
Holding a grudge is sometimes understandable. But feigning forgiveness only to throw that thought-to-be-forgotten punch later is never acceptable. If you truly have yet to forgive your significant other of a screw up, then tell them. “I’m not over it yet, but I’m working on it.†That is always better than thinking everything’s fine, then weeks later hearing that you are still on trial for that incident.
Even major lapses in judgment that are forgiven should be off limits for fair fighting. If someone cheats but you are trying to work through it, you can’t use that as your secret weapon for every fight to follow. Keeping that card in your back pocket makes it impossible for your other to ever breathe. They walk on eggshells and probably swallow a lot of their own grievances just to avoid having their mistake thrown in their face again.
Mistakes made in relationships can vary from leaving scars to surface wounds. Some people will hold onto those feelings for the duration of the relationship and never resolve their anger and hurt. But if you want to make a real effort to move past those mistakes and be a stronger couple, it is possible to come out on the other side.
That moment of forgiveness can only be achieved through fighting fair. Fights are an inevitable part of any relationship. Both parties need to feel like they stand on even ground. If you throw cheap shots, you’re not going to be in a relationship for too much longer.
Katie Saltz is the Kernel’s relationship columnist. E-mail her your thoughts or relationship questions at theheartbeat@kykernel.com.
Recent Comments