‘Hustler’ king, colleagues deserve their share of handouts

This is a series of pro/con columns that will appear on the Kernel opinions page every other Thursday. We want to know your stance. E-mail opinions@kykernel.com.

RELATED STORY: Adult film bailout making a mockery of U.S. government

When you think about it, Larry Flynt achieved the American Dream.

Sure, it might not be my American Dream or your American Dream, but the man managed to go from a shack in Eastern Kentucky’s Magoffin County — possibly one of the most destitute counties in Kentucky, if not the nation — to vacation homes in Barbuda and Antigua. I’d say that’s progress, maybe even success.

I mean sure, the man who built the “Hustler” empire and other porn affiliates is rumored to have had his first sexual experience at age nine with a chicken. That’s not exactly admirable. He drinks, he does drugs — once even suffering a stroke from an overdose — and is enthusiastic about being an atheist. But Larry Flynt is a millionaire. A self-made millionaire. He took a dream, worked hard to get what he wanted, and has a high-rise office in Beverly Hills to prove it.

And now, he’s asking for a little help. Little being about $5 billion.

Flynt has joined up with the man behind Girl’s Gone Wild, Joe Francis, to ask the U.S. government for some bailout help. It’s not that porn sales are considerably down — DVD sales are down maybe 25 percent max and that deficit is easily made up for in Internet subscriptions. But the two porn lords want a piece of the bailout pie. And who’s to say they don’t deserve a little money for their hard work?

Both men built franchises by taking advantage of young girls with poor judgment, but as far as managing money, there are few marks other than some distasteful lawsuits against the pair. Unlike Citigroup, Bank of America and the entire auto industry, Francis and Flynt have done well with their profits. What Flynt doesn’t understand is similar to my own confusion regarding passing out government funds: If you mess up, why should everyone else have to clean it up?

Now that isn’t to say I’m opposed to the bailout. In actuality, this has little to do with the politics of the bailout itself. Put simply, Flynt and Francis want to know why their businesses — built by themselves from the ground up — don’t deserve a little ‘this is for all your hard work’ money, too. They’re just thinking ahead of the game. They just want some government help, they just want to be rescued before they fail.

And it’s not like helping out the porn industry isn’t in the government’s best interest. It’s hard to pretend that Washington doesn’t already, in part, keep the porn industry in business in the first place. Bailout money would just be a formality.

“It’s time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America,” Flynt said in a news release. “The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

Support it. Congress definitely does.

But Flynt and Francis aren’t the big name bank executives and it isn’t going to be easy for them to get their hands on those bailout dollars. They’re the social outcasts of financial success and frowned upon by the morally strict politicians in Washington. After all, why would the bureaucrats need porn when they have all of the sex scandals, racy interns and call girls they can handle?

“People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in the news release. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

Maybe Flynt is right. He’s built an entire porn empire on that very thought: Americans can do without a lot of things, but sex isn’t one of them. So it’s not so absurd that Flynt and Francis had the nerve to ask for their $5 billion share. Especially if they’re providing the most sought-after service in the U.S.

And it’s not really their fault that they need the money. It’s the bad economy that’s destroying our sex lives.

Blair Thomas is an agricultural communications senior. E-mail bthomas@kykernel.com.